On 7 December, we had 17 years since my sister left from our lives and like every year, my human side and my divine one feel different.
If I am on the human side, that was the worst day of my life and also the moment when the awareness began in my life.
If you are a spiritual person, it is impossible to remain the same in front of weakness, transiency, the impossibility of being able to change something. The human in me is still upset that life has stolen from me the opportunity of growing up and experimenting life besides the most beautiful, pure, happy, gentle human that visited planet earth.
The human in me is not celebrating Saint Nicholas because he made me the most uninspired present in the Universe, a loss that is more hurtful than any punishment in the world.
In the same time, the divine part in me knows God does not make mistakes and I also know that death is just a “coming back home”. My human part understood that some souls visited this place with specific missions and sometimes, it is not necessary to spend here 95 years to finish them.
Hurtfull for us, wonderful for them, isn’t it? I wanted to take this moment to remember her and share some lessons:
- The pain never goes away
They say our memories are actually, memories of the last time we remembered something. So, if something happened on Monday and I think about it on Tuesday and Wednesday, on Wednesday I will actually remember my memory from Tuesday about the event that happened on Monday.
And so on, if we reverse, we actually remember the memory, of the memory, of the memory. You would expect that this filter is able to eliminate the pain on the way, but in the case of such loss, it’s not like that. Yes, you will accept it, you will free yourself of resentment, find some explanations… but the pain will remain.
I heard in those days the words “It will pass”, I got angry then, I still get angry now. I believe a sincere hug is more useful than these empty words.
- Everything I am today is thanks to this experience
Nobody knows the true reason for this experience, or even if there is one. But, I know for sure that from that day, my inner work has begun. Carlos, my first yoga instructor, said that from his experience, there is no evolution without suffering.
And I believe he was right because suffering is able to humiliate you enough to put you on your knees and if you are strong enough, instead of letting the pain destroy you, you start searching for answers.
The answers arrived, life got its meaning and I learned to receive every experience and transform it into art. All the books I have read, all the classes I took, all my studies, researches, the University and Master I had, were chosen to find answers.
And in this desperation to find answers to this external situation, lead me to the most important thing: My soul. Who am I, what I believe, what I do, where I go, who I love, my fears are based on this experience.
- There is no “someday”, “tomorrow” or “in the future”.
The disease of my sister came in the middle of the night, today she was happy with her perfect medical tests, tomorrow in a hospital with cancer and in two months she was already in better places.
My hunger to explore everything today, because maybe tomorrow I will not get the chance, was for me a blessing and a curse at the same time. I will never settle in one place because I am afraid I will “lose” something.
I want everything to happen yesterday and I will apply all my ideas today. This behaviour was useful. I manifested everything I wished for and I am just getting started. Everybody is admiring my “courage” to travel alone, to explore, to move alone in another country, to quit my job and go into the unknown, without any certainty… but in reality, this is just my fear of losing something, of not living enough, of boredom, of losing time. What a contradiction, right?
The bad part was that even in love I acted like this, when I was young I was not able to postpone it too much, and people took advantage of that, Karma is taking care of them now, but this lesson of “putting the passion on hold” I learned it too late in life.
- If I am here, I still have a lot of work to do.
After an experience like this, even if you want or not, you start asking yourself about the meaning of life… what is the use of it, if everything ends sooner or later?
I admitted just recently, two years ago, during some family constellations, that when life got hard with me I was actually envious on my sister because “she left and she got rid of all the problems and I am still here facing them“. I never had the courage to admit such a thing with a loud voice. But the message from that Constellation was very clear:
“You are here because you still have a lot to offer to this world!”
And I took this mission very seriously, and I realised that yes… if we are here, we really do still have a lot of work to do. If our work was finished, we would have been long gone. This is the reason why I decided to name my first book in such a discussed way – “I wanted to die, but I changed my mind.”
No, I never wanted to take my life, I was never this hurt by it, but I was fighting with not understanding it and it seemed meaningless. I was thinking in that time that “I would rather not have it“, but “I changed my mind” when I realised that yes, I really am a gift for this earth. So many thinks made an effort for me to be here today.
- Men cry sometimes.
I heard myself saying in those days: “Don’t cry, men don’t cry!” and even if I was 14 years old, I realised that this is a stupid thing to believe, transmitted by the society and the truth is, no matter what clothes, women clothes or men clothes, a soul wears, it will cry when it will be sad.
And tears are such a magical thing because they free the soul, they rebuilt you.
I learned I am able to create space for a man to cry in my arms, because I know tomorrow he will be stronger thanks to the fact he was able to free his soul and now has the power to conquer life with more energy, with more resources, more courageous.
- I am not afraid of death.
Somehow, I can understand the fear of the unknown, but when you understand that death is an advancement, that you finished your job here on earth and you return home, everything changes and has another meaning. Sure, today I feel I still have a lot of things to do and people to love, but for sure I am not worried about this death day. I trust what my soul decided before coming to earth.
- God exists
I was so furious, in the first days after my sister left, that I stopped praying and broke all my connections with God. How dared He to do something like this to us, good and spiritual people?
Those were the darkest days in my life, besides the suffering, I was feeling I am going to sleep in the darkest place ever. I was not seeing the light above.
I realised I can’t live like that and I surrendered. I accepted God’s will, even if they were beyond my understanding and I raised my eyes again. From that time, God and I have an amazing partnership. When I ask Him something, he gives me more. When He takes something from me – experiences or people, the time has proven He does it for my own good, because He always gave me better experiences, better people. When He made me suffer, it was for me to gain the courage to make radical decisions.
- Family is the most important thing.
An event like this is able to break a family or to unite it. Fortunately, it was an opportunity for my family and me to unite even more. If I come back home so often is because I love them so much. Otherwise, I would only be a travelling bird.
They are the ones that really wish the best for me, no matter what and from this love, they always took care to offer me wings and allowed me to do whatever I wanted. They offered me the best gifts – unconditional love and freedom.
So, this year instead of expensive gifts and superficial things, look at the people you love the most and ask yourself:
Is it worth it to be upset on this person?
If this person would be gone tomorrow would I be happy with the last words I said to him?
Can I do more for my dear ones?
Do I hug them enough?
Do they feel my love? Do I tell them I love them? That I admire them? That I am happy they are in my life?
Remember: There is no “tomorrow”, “someday” and “in the future”.
With Love, Ana