When I was little I used to fight God.
I still laugh when I remember myself as I was laying in bed when I was around 11 years, thinking of my favourite band of that time, crying and fighting God by saying:
“Why did you give me a beautiful voice if you didn’t help me to become a famous singer also?!”
I was not doing anything concrete that would lead me to this, not even taking singing classes because I was ashamed of the first test.
I confronted Him and when he decided to take my sister, I considered then that I did not deserve “such a punishment“, being a “good person” who went to church every Sunday. I argued with him every time the people who were my obsession, left and I thought that “He” gives me the most unfit people. I argued with him every time when I was disappointed, when he did not fulfil my dreams or when in the new year, which was predicting “major changes in my life”, nothing really changed.
I misunderstood this relationship because I was just pretending, I had expectations and I thought everything had to be the way I want it to be. I will not detail all my years of wanderings, desire to end everything, struggles, study, prayer and revelations, they are all in my first book, but I will say the conclusion that had the greatest resonance in me.
In reality, God does not take anything from me and He does not give me my desires, He created me only to experience life through me. My descent from the throne I was ordering, kneeling down to really understand Him, was the biggest change of perspective in my life.
Only when I surrendered myself for real and said, “Do you know something, God, after all, do what you want from me!“, after I realized that my life is in fact entirely His, only then began the most beautiful partnership I have ever had, in which I always told him what I want and what I think I can do, but if He has something better prepared for me, “Do His will!”
I can ask for anything, the world is for those who have the courage to ask because they feel they deserve it, but it will all happen if it is for my supreme good and the supreme good of all involved.
And I realized over time that many things I was asking, either they were not meant for me, or they were not my wishes, but induced by others, or He had already planted in me what I needed, had planted my desires, had planted the resources, the seeding and the determination, He was only waiting to see that I had real faith, in Him and in what He planted in me, He was waiting for me to have the courage to take the first step with confidence and owning any consequence, disappointment, failure.
When I was at my first meetings with my ex-partner, at a wonderful ocean-view restaurant in Bali, I smiled at him and said, “God loves me so much” and he replied: “You speak from the Ego, God loves everyone the same.” It ruined my mood back then, but I knew deep down he was right.
Maybe what I really wanted to express at that moment was that I decided to see only love in everything that God offers me, good or what seems bad, and I feel any experience, any joy, any tear, any disappointment, any crushed expectation, any abandonment, any misery as His caress.
I am not afraid of anything, not because I am arrogant, because I am invincible, because I don’t care, because I am unconscious, because I do not love desperately, because suffering does not touch me, because my tears aren’t salty, but because I believe that God does not make mistakes.
God does not make mistakes, and all my work, all the courses, all the books, all are just to remind others what my ex told me that day, that Gods love is for everyone, that He is experiencing through all the world, and it is our duty to look in the mirror and recognize these things. In vain do I say to anyone: You have all resources, you deserve, God is in you – if that person doesn’t look in the mirror seeing the same resources that God has put there.
To be God, to have God in us, does not mean that we must climb over the heads of whom we have the power to do so.
To be God means that all we experience is His will, that He wants to experience through us, that He is the hand and we are the fingers, that everything we do will somehow return in a form or another to us, we create and we bear the consequences.
Because yes, God does not make mistakes.
And I accept that, I love that, and no matter how painful, meaningless it may seem, or how wonderful it is, I accept and love what He offers. Because I am not mine, I am just a soul and a body through which God experiences.
Every time I see rebellion, fear or disapproval, I see the little girl crying that she has a voice, but her celebrity is not coming.
Do I return today to the crying girl’s energy? Obviously, yes! Every time I feel disappointed, when I am sad, when I am angry, when I have expectations, when bad people manage to affect me, when I get kicked, when I don’t have patience, when things don’t happen as I want, as I dream, when I lose people (even recently I lost two friends that I thought were close, but they weren’t). As long as I am here on earth I will forget and remember, how much I will be here, will I be human or will I remember the divinity in me.
What do I do for this?
I acknowledge where I am, what is given to me, I try to understand why.
I accept where I am and what I receive, I know that everything is for my supreme good and this acceptance allows change to truly enter into my life. No resentment, no attachments, no complaining.
We cannot change the outside, but we can change what we do, how we react, what we accept and how we see God in everything and how He experiences through us, we can choose what we focus on, where we put energy, what we want to feed, how much we resist and when we surrender.
Who wants to understand, understands, who has the ability to feel, feels.